How The Mole Got His Title

by Rudyard Kipling

Before this world was created, the mole and the mith and the Internet Stranger and all of the other animals who now make their homes here lived in a land of Grey. Now, as you can imagine, Grey is hardly captivating material to make a world out of, so the Dragon Phoenix (a Fantastic Beast, but also a surprising violent one at times) used to entertain the animals by swooping down very low and burning the things on the ground, and also by arranging games, in which the animals would laugh and dance as they tried to murder each other. What fun!

One day, the Dragon Phoenix had a particularly Fantastic Idea--as he was wont to do, being a Fantastic Beast--and he gathered everyone together to play a game.

To the mith, he said, "You can trust the mole." But then he turned to the mole, and told him to kill everyone! And after this he swooped around with glee and burned everything in sight, to celebrate his wonderful idea.

The mole and his friends turned out to be most successful at killing the other animals. Between them they slew the Antrax and the Samadhi and even the grey land's mysterious Soothsayer. But then one day the time came for the mole to kill his friend the mith. When he found out about this, well after the mole had killed everyone, the mith was very upset. (Wouldn't you be, if you were killed?)

Many year later, after the land of Grey was left behind and the mole's feat had become legend, a strange quercitron wanted to bring together all the best killers and have them play another game. The quercitron was very excited about this prospect, and spent hours writing invitations and creating a survey for everyone to complete.

Now, the quercitron had taken a great interest in the mole's story, and included on this survey a question about the legend, hoping to find out what the others thought of it. Unfortunately, it also happened to rekindle the mith's anger, which caused him to reply to the quercitron with a terrible and destructive rant that shook the world and was heard for miles around:

"die die suck die suck die mole sucks die die die die evil die suck scum scum die list list list bow die die suck suck suck"

Soon after he heard the mith's wrath, the mole was struck in the head by a piece of the Rant, for it had, after all, been directed at him. Seeing how it was a symbol (of sorts) of what he and the Dragon Phoenix had accomplished in the land of Grey, he picked it up from the ground and has carried it ever since.