Green Crayons

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Liars, beggars and poets are asked to not edit.
Attorneys, hobos and actors are asked to provide any content they may have discovered about this player at their discretion.

Embellishment is wholly encouraged.

Biography

This is an abbreviated recollection of the trials and tribulations that has been the life and times of the user known as Green Crayons. The full, unabridged version will not be recounted here for numerous and varied reasons, the three most important and pertinent being that this editor does not have the time to do so, the limits of this wiki format cannot hold such a monumental amount of data and the final details are already being cleared away for the book deal (for the low, low price of 49.99 per episodic hardback).

The Early-Early Years

Born in the year 902 C.E., the user known as Green Crayons had a humble beginnings which ultimately proved to belie his ultimate fame and glory. Birthed from a poor beggar woman in the waning years of the Tang Empire in what is now known as mainland China, it wasn't until his seventh birthday that the first signs of his true greatness were revealed to him. A hoard of early Mongol invaders had ransacked and pillaged the dilapidated fishing village in which he resided until they came across the defenseless child being cradled in the arms of his mother. Seeing an easy kill to quench their blood-thirst, the gang of barbarians set upon the mother and son with ill intent. It was just then, when the blades were mere inches away from ending it all that his mother showed her true strength: she was a she-witch, a half-blood human-nymph hybrid. With a flash of blinding light their would-be attackers were caught off guard. Taking the initiative, the user who would one day be known on internet forums as Green Crayons slaughtered the band of grown men with his bare hands, feasting on their flesh to empower his rage.

Not wanting to take any chances, he slaughtered the remaining villagers with whom he had grown up. And for good measure, his mother. She was always a sickly thing that poor dear.

The Early Years

Knowing now that his mother was a foreigner and he wasn't a native Chinese citizen, this user set off from this town he had for so long mistakenly thought to be his place of birth. He traveled far and wide, making friends with the birds and beasts. They attempted to teach him their languages, but after a few bruised egos and some nice bear pelts he made into coats for himself, it was the birds and beasts who learned his language. His travels eventually brought him to a land declared holy by several groups of humans and the lot were having quite the tiff concerning the ownership the place. Finding he just really couldn't be bothered to look into the details of this rather boring real estate dispute, he instead had himself learned by the best archers and swordsmen in the land so that he could slaughter people with weapons for their own benefit. Having bested several an armed man with his mere hands, he found that they were quite ashamed to learn that they were killed by his bare hands when they had been armed to the teeth. So, for the dignity of his victims (which were plentiful), he took to using weapons.

The Middle Years

This lone wanderer continued upon his way, many of the years lost to time and simply cannot be recounted in the here and now (though everything will be in the books, I assure you). He accomplished a few things of note, including encouraging Napoleon to fight onwards at Waterloo, introduced the wonderful relaxant Opium to China, taught the Pilgrims of the New World about hypocrisy and intolerance, cultivated the first batch of small pox to keep down wild boar populations troubling Russian settlements and was single-handed in his effort in making the Industrial Revolution occur when he found out he was part robot. This explained many things, including his sharp wit, infallible logic, immense strength and, of course, his wildly popularized sexual stamina of infinite longevity.

The Latest Years

Not to be known as the "late years," simply because the user known as Green Crayons is pretty sure that these latest years will simply eventually become meshed together with the Middle Years, which in turn will be lumped together with the Early Years as enough time passes on. Bored with wandering the earth, this user has instead found a small joy in taking upon the facade as a lawyer in training as a way to ruin people's lives all the while maintaining a sense of legitimacy. Arguing has always been a point of fun for this user, so it almost seems like a natural fit. As a side note, his racial Nymph-Robot background has really helped him with school admissions as he fills a hotly contested minority position to fill at any school.

Titles and Occupations of Note

As time has passed, this user has held many jobs. These titles include:

• Beggar
• King
• Snob
• Warrior-Poet
• Brute
• Gravedigger
• Therapist
• Queen
• Above-Average Cricket Player
• Captain
• Harlot
• Cobbler

Miscellaneous Notes of Wonderment

• This user has been to trial only five times for the countless murders he has committed.
  • Three were deemed honorable killings as they were the expected consequence of winning a duel. Two of these duels used flint pistols to settle things like gentlemen and a twenty-pace was counted. One of these duels used broken beer bottles and a card table to settle things like men.
  • One was deemed dishonorable as he had killed someone with his back turned for insulting his father. Something about the size of his male appendage and it being a hereditary matter. This user then proceeded to show the court these wicked and slanderous allegations were wholly false and was promptly acquitted.
  • One was a religious matter that he sort of just fell into and didn't want to back out of his unknowingly made commitment. But these things happen. Good to put on a good show and whatnot.
• Other details may surface as historians continue to dig up artifacts of history.