WIFOMproducts®

WIFOMproducts® are a line of convenience products which have grown significantly in popularity over the past few years. They are sold mostly to conniving scum, but can also be pawned off on stupid townies if an opportunity presents itself. Invariably, each of these products is inherently rich in WIFOM content, being heavily prescribed by medical doctors and psychologists alike. In some instances, certain WIFOMproducts® have been known to cause serious side effects such as decreasing constructive mental activity, causing altercations between users, and notably, creating pointlessly cyclical arguments which can only lead to even more WIFOM. Great care should be taken whenever using these products, and they should be used only as advised.

Current product listing

WIFOMpossibilities™

The most basic of the WIFOMproducts® (but still a best-seller!), a WIFOMpossibility™ at its core is a ridiculous premise. But it is so much more than that. This premise must only be viable when mixed with our secret blend of WIFOM, a brain fart or two, and a small (yet undisclosed) amount of mind-numbingly random speculation. The simplicity of this product is where its strength lies; it can be purchased very inexpensively and in bulk, and it does not require a significant amount of time or effort to deploy. And remember, if a premise or possibility can be believed without causing mental meltdown, it is probably an impostor, and therefore not a namebrand WIFOMpossibility™. Watch out for cheap knockoffs that disguise themselves as WIFOMproducts®.

WIFOMspiral™

A potent mix of WIFOM that leads trickily to even more WIFOM; this is an ingeniously conceived tool, and one of our most finely crafted WIFOMproducts®. Carefully blended by our top architects, a true WIFOMspiral™ will recursively reflect itself and other WIFOM arguments with the appearance of providing a solid argument. Moreover, studies show that a properly concocted WIFOMspiral™ will not only NOT provide a solid argument, but will actually go one step further, and draw the agitator into an ever-kindling circular fallacy which leads to even more WIFOM. Ultimately, attempting to comprehend the tangled morass of WIFOM mixed with seemingly stable expostulation will result in decreased cogitative abilities, a heightened level of vexation, and in some extreme cases even has the opposite effect of solely producing stoic apathy.

WIFOMsnowball™

Often confused with the WIFOMspiral™, the award-winning WIFOMsnowball™ is another of our highly popular WIFOMproducts®. Marketed exclusively in the Christmas season, this is one gift that keeps on giving. Once it has begun to roll, the technological wonder that is the WIFOMsnowball™ becomes ever larger and more inescapable. If applied with the proper skill and experience by a seasoned user, the large, fluffy WIFOMsnowball™ will engulf even the staunchest resistors. Occasionally, brazen attempts at actual logic are able to crack the central thought-shielding of even a properly-applied WIFOMsnowball™, but fear not – such doubts are usually muffled by the coating of light and cheery confusion that we apply to the outer surface upon purchase. Be sure to re-apply this coating bi-weekly to achieve maximum logic-muffling potential.

WIFOMsandwich™

Our first foray as a company into the competitive arena of processed edibles, the WIFOMsandwich™ is both delicious and affordable! Another product conceived from the minds of our relentless marketing division, we've contracted health experts to make sure that this little baby is packed with nutritional value and plenty of tasty WIFOM. Want to grab a bite to eat on the way to the office? Want to chow down on a snack after a fierce argument about whether or not you've been killing people at night again? Once it's evident that you're eating a delicious WIFOMsandwich™, everyone's gonna want a bite.

WIFOMbuckets™

Very handy to have when trying to store and process large quantities of WIFOMdata™, our patented WIFOMbuckets™ have it all. Whether you need the carrying space to surprise your friends with mass amounts of WIFOMspeculation™, or even if you just want to carry a few WIFOMsandwiches™ with you to work, the WIFOMbucket™ is a patented, guaranteed, tried and true method of carrying your favorite WIFOMproducts® with you wherever you go. Also available in a Deluxe version with chrome coating on the handle and rim, which is useful for deflecting light into the eyes of whoever you're trying to deceive at the moment. Deluxe version only available upon special application. All applicants must provide sterling references, and link to numerous examples of past WIFOM use.

WIFOMdata™

The chief source of power behind most (if not all) WIFOMproducts®, WIFOMdata™ is the very crux of what fallacious arguments are made from. It is a rare mineral, seldom found in nature and difficult to come by, even with earnest seeking. However, WIFOMdata™ is nonetheless highly sought after by acolytes of its self-evident pretense of actual conclusive information. Additionally, in the last year, a complicated process was developed to convert especially rare WIFOMdata™ shards into WIFOMparticles™, which are then used as a catalyst in one of our most effective products, the patented WIFOMnuke™.

WIFOMnuke™

One of the more obscure WIFOMproducts®, the WIFOMnuke™ is also our only product officially licensed for use in the UMSC (United Mafia Scum Corps). Not available to the public sector, WIFOMnuke™ is capable of delivering a highly concentrated blast of nuclear-charged WIFOMparticles™ into the area directly surrounding your target. The real-time effects on target areas which have received a direct hit from a WIFOMnuke™ have been thoroughly studied countless times, and each time, the utter destruction wreaked by the sheer amount of concentrated WIFOMparticles™ has been determined to be disastrous. Due to public outcry, this weapon has been classified as a level 4 WMD by the Psychological Operations sector, and as such, the manufacture and sale of each particular warhead must be processed through strict regulations and multiple levels of procedural protocol.